Do you know what to say to a person who is suffering at Christmas?
For Fernanda, Christmas was the most wonderful time of the year until 10 years ago her husband died in a traffic accident, just a week before Santa Claus was due to arrive. With two small children excited by the arrival of the most endearing character of Christmas, Fernanda had to make great efforts to “at least try” not to shed tears when opening the presents, because smiling was an impossible mission.
This was a decade ago, but the wound still hasn’t closed. That’s why every time someone who doesn’t know her story innocently approaches her and in a gentle and polite way tells her the typical phrase “Happy Holidays!”, that wound reopens and stings a lot… And its Christmas is not the most wonderful time of the year for many.
What to say to those people who see this time of year as a moment of suffering and anguish? What words can appease that feeling of sadness that invades them? We want to be there, next to that family member or friend who has suffered and who suffers at Christmas, to support that person who means so much to us, but perhaps we don’t know how to choose the right words or the most appropriate moment.
What to say to a person who suffers at Christmas
- Imagine this situation. You are sitting having a coffee with Fernanda. She is devastated, tears welling up in her eyes and falling down her cheeks like a waterfall. To comfort her, phrases like “Time heals wounds” or “Everything happens for a reason” come out of your mouth, thinking that this will reduce that sadness, but according to psychologists this is counterproductive. We cannot pressure anyone to be happy and the effect that can be achieved is the opposite.
- Have you heard of the concept conventional narcissism? It is that moment when your friend is telling you that the doctors told her that same morning that her mother has cancer and you, to take a little iron out of the matter and to try to empathize with her, the only thing that occurs to you say is: “My dog is also very ill”. If you want to lend a hand, what you should do is put yourself in his shoes, in his crosshairs and focus everything on his experience, not yours.
- Tell him what you think and feel. Many times it is more practical to tell that person phrases like “I am very sorry for what you are going through. Tell me how I can help you”, than to try to force a situation that is not going to lead to anything. If that person is sad, it will be useless for you to tell them that they have to cheer up or force them to drown their sorrows in alcohol, for example.
- It is important to show our support with words, but also with gestures and actions, because words are often carried away by the wind and what the person who is sad wants is help. And if you pick her up at home and you go for a walk, or shopping, or for dinner?